Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
ALAN KINGAnd humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
More Alan King Quotes
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The other day my house caught fire.
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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The ability to absorb a book and make someone else’s words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
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You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
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But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
ALAN KING