“Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.”

Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.

As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.

It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.

I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.

Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.

I was a high school throw-out.

My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.

I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.

My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.

My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?

There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

A great company is not a great investment if you pay too much for the stock.

And when statesmen or others worry him [the scientist] too much, then he should leave with his possessions.

A husband is very much like a house or a horse.

Look at Van Gogh’s paintings: there’s as much joy in them as there is pain. Suffering is only a single color, and by itself it’s boring.

It goes beyond the money. It goes beyond all of that and the glory.

I am a PR disaster because I talk too much.

Coaches can talk and talk and talk about something, but if you get it on tape and show it to them, it is so much more effective.

To ask too much is the way to be denied all.