“When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!”

The very definition of ‘beauty’ is outside.

I don’t like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it’s the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they’re pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.

I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.

You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can’t afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

All TV is, is really: ‘Don’t you want to be this, aren’t you glad you’re not that.’ There’s nothing really in the middle.

I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that’s out of this world. I’ll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn’t have to be between Thai and Mexican every night.

You don’t realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It’s a card you get so you can navigate society.

They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven’t seen one pie commercial.

I’m not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don’t even want them to laugh half the time.

I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

Because anybody can find their fan base through the Internet.

The fan base that I’ve had all these years has come along.

It’s actually safe to create a universe in your basement.

Regulation – which is based on force and fear – undermines the moral base of business dealings. It becomes cheaper to bribe a building inspector than to meet his standards of construction. Protection of the consumer by regulation is thus illusory.

In one book, CACHALOT, just for my own amusement, every character is based directly on someone I have known.

All change requires effort and sacrifice. Sometimes action plans fail because they are based on the idea that there is a ‘magic bullet’ which on its own can solve our problems.

I don’t watch anything on a regular basis – I tend to binge-watch things.

He signed as a shortstop. He could play the outfield, of course, and third base and first, too. He was a tremendous athlete. Mickey Mantle was unbelievable, too.