I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
ADAM CAROLLAThere is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.
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I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they’re making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
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Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show
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The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I’m not sure why.
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When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
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I’m a comedian, not a politician.
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We’re always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
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When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it’s about fudge packing and triple D’s at 13.
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California is like the hot blond high school chick who’s been getting by on her looks, but now she’s 45 and falling apart.
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If you’re conservative in Hollywood, you’re on a list of people who need to be put in their place.
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Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.
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Honestly, I’ve always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed – that kind of stuff.
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I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
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Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.
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Don’t do your best, do my best.
ADAM CAROLLA