New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPS