“There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.”

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

If you kill me, I promise you – you will never take me alive.

Only on the third class tourist class passengers’ deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.

If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.

God made night, But man made darkness.

I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I told you I was sick.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

I’m a hero with coward’s legs.

In my lowest moments, the only reason I didn’t commit suicide was that I knew I wouldn’t be able to drink any more if I was dead.

Be a dreamer. If you don’t know how to dream, you’re dead.

Everybody is worried about dying, but the cause of death is birth, so if you don’t want to die, you don’t get born!

Death is the Christian’s vacation morning. School is out. It is time to go home.

Men die in despair, while spirits die in ecstasy.

When I do eventually drop, I pray to God that it will happen in one of three ways. Firstly, on stage or leaving the stage, then secondly in my sleep. And the third way? You’ll have to figure that out for yourself!

Some of us can be examples about going ahead and growing, and some of us, unfortunately, don’t make it there, and end up being examples because they had to die. I hit rock bottom, but thank God my bottom wasn’t death.

Organized religions in general, in my opinion, are dying forms.