“Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.”

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.

Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.

I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?

I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.

I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.

Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.

With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.

A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.

Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.

They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.

When my dreams showed signs of becoming politically correct no unruly images escaping beyond borders … then I began to wonder

The readiest and surest way to get rid of censure, is to correct ourselves.

The duty of comedy is to correct men by amusing them.

As the purpose of comedy is to correct the vices of men, I see no reason why anyone should be exempt.

Correcting oneself is correcting the whole world. The Sun is simply bright. It does not correct anyone. Because it shines, the whole world is full of light. Transforming yourself is a means of giving light to the whole world.

If every customer is using your product “correctly”, you’ll never learn anything interesting about what to do next.

Cognitive therapy seeks to alleviate psychological stresses by correcting faulty conceptions and self-signals. By correcting erroneous beliefs we can lower excessive reactions.

Sometimes it’s necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly.