“Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.”

I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I told you I was sick.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

I’m a hero with coward’s legs.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.

I wanted to paint nothing. I was looking for something that was the essence of nothing, and the soup can was it.

The price of apparently cheap food is costing nothing less than the Earth!

All I’m saying is that there is a price to be paid at the sharp end environmentally and everywhere else for the food that is produced in a particular way.

Every country can be defined through their food, their music and their language. That’s the soul of a country.

Seafood is one of my biggest pet peeves.

In these days when we feed those who are not hungry, we are stealing from those who are starving, even though the food is our own.

Fast food may appear to be cheap food and, in the literal sense it often is, but that is because huge social and environmental costs are being excluded from the calculations.

Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.