Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
STEVEN WRIGHTImagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT






