There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHTImagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Clones are people two.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHT