I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHTImagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
STEVEN WRIGHT