I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHTImagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Clones are people two.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT