One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHTImagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT