“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Half the people you know are below average.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.

You look at me like supper, and I just want to be your last one this time.

People say it would be terrible if we made all girls pretty. I think it would be great.

And she was fair as is the rose in May.

A frowning face can’t bring out the beauty that you are.

Habit maketh no monk, ne wearing of gilt spurs maketh no knight.

After every storm, if you look hard enough, a rainbow appears.

I’ve never understood the notion that actors and actresses should look great on-screen just because they’re on-screen. That doesn’t make sense to me.

I don’t like my voice. I don’t like the way I look. I don’t like the way I move. I don’t like the way I act. I mean, period. So, you know, I don’t like myself.