“It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t”

I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I told you I was sick.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Render any politician down and there’s enough fat to fry an egg.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

I’m a hero with coward’s legs.

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.

I’m a giraffe. I even walk like a giraffe with a long neck and legs. It’s a pretty dumb animal, mind you.

I don’t like to run. I don’t like to jump up and down. Being a big girl and having a bosom, I injure myself! It upsets me, I have to hold my two things. I just can’t jog, there’s something in the way.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I’m gonna put a curse on you and all your kids will be born completely naked.

As funny as some photos can be, think twice about allowing yourself to be tagged in questionable photos.

Behind every great man there stands a great woman. Behind every great woman is a great behind.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo.