Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Clones are people two.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT






