Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
STEVEN WRIGHT