I told you I was sick.
SPIKE MILLIGANIs there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.
More Spike Milligan Quotes
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
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Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
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I’m Irish. We think sideways.
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We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.
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In the human race today, you came last.
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I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
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If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.
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I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.
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Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.
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All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
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In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
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I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.
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Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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I can speak Esperanto like a native.
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We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
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God made night, But man made darkness.
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There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.
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Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
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Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.
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Its all in the mind, you know.
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And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
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Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
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If you kill me, I promise you – you will never take me alive.
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A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush.
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You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
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Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.
SPIKE MILLIGAN