Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHT