If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Clones are people two.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHT