In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart’s beat.
GROUCHO MARXIf you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
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Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy
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I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX -
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX -
I only write first editions.
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A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
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Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
GROUCHO MARX -
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
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Humour is reason gone mad.
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Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX -
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
GROUCHO MARX -
We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.
GROUCHO MARX -
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
GROUCHO MARX -
Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
GROUCHO MARX -
Room service? Send up a larger room.
GROUCHO MARX -
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX -
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
GROUCHO MARX -
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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Time wounds all heels.
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I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
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He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
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Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
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Do you mind if I don’t smoke?
GROUCHO MARX