Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDSWhen you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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I drink therefore I am.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS