The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDSWhen you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS