The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDSWhen you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS