A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDSWhen you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS