It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDSWhen you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS