When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDSThere’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS