Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDSThere’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS