If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDSIf it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS -
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS -
I must have a drink of breakfast.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS -
Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
W. C. FIELDS