I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDSIf it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS