Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDSIf it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS -
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS -
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS -
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS