Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDSReality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS