Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDSReality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I never met a kid I liked.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS