My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDSMy illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDSIf pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDSI don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDSI didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDSI never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDSSome weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDSWhen doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDSI have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDSIf I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDSIt ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDSSleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDSPhiladelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDSSome people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDSMoney will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDSChristmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDSChildren should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS