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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

W. C. Fields

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDS

Believe Empty Food Myself Weird
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Funny Old World
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Myself Perspective Sea
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Hate See
Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDS

Gift Ignorance Peace Prayer Wisdom
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Home

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

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