Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDSReality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS