When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT