I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
STEVEN WRIGHT