I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHT