Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT