When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHT