I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHTMy doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
STEVEN WRIGHT