The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHTConsciousness: That annoying time between naps.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Clones are people two.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHT