The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
STEVEN WRIGHTConsciousness: That annoying time between naps.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Clones are people two.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT