Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHTConsciousness: That annoying time between naps.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT