My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTConsciousness: That annoying time between naps.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT