How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHTConsciousness: That annoying time between naps.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT