If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHTConsciousness: That annoying time between naps.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHT