You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHTConsciousness: That annoying time between naps.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT






