One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHTYou know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
STEVEN WRIGHT






