I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHTI have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT