I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHTI have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
STEVEN WRIGHT