All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow come abbreviated is such a long word?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT