You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow come abbreviated is such a long word?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT