I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow come abbreviated is such a long word?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHT






