I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow come abbreviated is such a long word?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
STEVEN WRIGHT