I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHTHow come abbreviated is such a long word?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHT