If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHTI’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Half the people you know are below average.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHT






