One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHTI’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT