If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHTI’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT






