Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHTSomeone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Clones are people two.
STEVEN WRIGHT