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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’

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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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