Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHTSomeone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
STEVEN WRIGHT