My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Clones are people two.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
STEVEN WRIGHT