Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
STEVEN WRIGHT