How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
STEVEN WRIGHT