My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHT