If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Clones are people two.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHT






