I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHTWhy do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
STEVEN WRIGHT