“I’ve been married a few times. I’m not good at it.”

I consider it an honor and a privilege to give back however I can for the many sacrifices of these incredibly brave men and women.

All I know how to do is take what’s on my mind and spit it out funny. I don’t know what else I could do besides comedy.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty… mine’s putting in an express lane.

Somebody the other day had a review, called me ‘America’s reprobate.’ And I don’t even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.

My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.

There’s not a pill you can take; there’s not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.

Any time someone achieves success before they’ve earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.

Think of The Rontourage as the Ron White Channel, where you can see us getting into trouble in all kinds of different places.

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn’t care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

I was a little one-trick pony. I do what I’ve always done. That’s really where my best stuff comes from. I don’t know how it happens. It just happens.

If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it’s being true to their nature… that’s what takes a long time to learn.

TV is a hard job. You work 15 hours a day. People tell you what to do. I hate to do it.

Physicians are many in title but very few in reality.

Few of us get anything without working for it.

I took a few piano lessons as a kid, but it didn’t last; I just learned piano from doing it over and over on my own, because I didn’t have many friends, and there was always a keyboard in the house.

Many admire, few know.

One of the very few things that I do every single day is put on fragrance. If I’m not wearing make-up, if my hair’s not done, if I’m walking around in pyjamas – I still put my fragrance on. I will brush my teeth and put on my perfume.

It’s funny what a few no-hitters do for a body.

There are a few oysters in Chesapeake Bay. Half the coral reefs are still in pretty good shape, a jeweled belt around the middle of the planet. There’s still time, but not a lot, to turn things around.

Meat reared on land matures relatively quickly, and it takes only a few pounds of plants to produce a pound of meat.