“I was a comedy fan when I was a little kid.”

Mother, she likes the blue material just fine.

Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it’s 18 hours of doing not a thing.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I’d done for twelve years because I couldn’t throw ’em out.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He’s probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can’t say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

Donald Trump – and I don’t dislike Donald one single bit – has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.

I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.

You can tell on-stage when a joke’s starting to lose its pop. It doesn’t mean people don’t want to hear it anymore; it means I don’t want to do it anymore. Because I want to move on to something that has a knee-jerk reaction just like you get when you tell somebody a joke that they’ve never heard.

People are saying that I’m an alcoholic, and that’s not true, because I only drink when I work, and I’m a workaholic.

There’s no idea or concept in comedy you could do that hasn’t been attacked from some angle. But if you start leaving punchlines out so you’ll look cool, I don’t get that. But I don’t watch standup anyway, so I don’t know what they’re doing.

My life has been wild enough to derive all of the stories you need out of it. I’ve been through many, many years of behavioral problems, so I don’t really look outside for stories.

A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.

My shows are not all-the-way filthy, but they can be.

If you watch the ‘Blue Collar Comedy Tour,’ don’t expect that when you come see me by myself, ’cause it’s a little rougher.

The only thing I really worry about is my live stand-up show because I have to answer to the fans.

There’s no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don’t exist.

I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.

I was really scared to stay home alone when I was kid, and I would freak out whenever there was a noise after my parents left.

When the TV version of Annie came on, I was drawn to it. It was the struggle of this poor kid in this environment and how her life changed. It immediately resonated.

I just want to grow old with a man who takes care of me, and I want to eventually have kids and want them to be good children to me. Just want to be treated nice and have respect.

I’m the kind of parent who asks my kids questions like, ‘What would be your ideal thing to do in the summer?’

Too many kids today are playing major league ball and don’t belong there.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

There is always some kid who may be seeing me for the first time. I owe him my best.

The problem with kids these days is they don’t have enough fun stuff to do. When I was stationed with my family in Germany, youth basketball programs gave me something to strive to do my best at.