“I was a comedy fan when I was a little kid.”

There have been times in my life that I’ve had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

The Majestic Theatre in San Antone is as good as it gets.

I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, ‘I’m not even a 10th of this man.’

I consider it an honor and a privilege to give back however I can for the many sacrifices of these incredibly brave men and women.

All I know how to do is take what’s on my mind and spit it out funny. I don’t know what else I could do besides comedy.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty… mine’s putting in an express lane.

Somebody the other day had a review, called me ‘America’s reprobate.’ And I don’t even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.

My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.

There’s not a pill you can take; there’s not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.

Any time someone achieves success before they’ve earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.

Think of The Rontourage as the Ron White Channel, where you can see us getting into trouble in all kinds of different places.

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn’t care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

It’s the rhythm that gets to the kids – they’re starved of music they can dance to, after all those years of crooners.

When your kids turn 13, an alien being invades their bodies and doesn’t leave until they’re 20.

In my first year at drama school, I did this kids’ show called ‘Let’s See.

Kids are more genuine. When they come up and want to talk to you, they don’t have an agenda. It’s more endearing and less piercing to your aura.

When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there.

I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life. I just had a kind of energy, I was a fairly happy kid.

Kids are natural scientists.

And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.