“I don’t do talk shows or go on Dr. Phil’s show. He’s a friend of mine, and, no, he doesn’t give me any advice. He doesn’t give solicited advice.”

People, when they go on stage, tend to be animated and try to force things out instead of relaxing and bringing it in.

I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.

I had the right to remain silent… but I didn’t have the ability.

Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!

That’s the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. It really helps you stay under the media’s radar.

I write these shows one joke at a time. There’s no continuity. I do try to figure an order to the stories, but there’s not continuity.

A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That’s just like heaven to me. I’m a simple man.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you’re a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can’t even spell. I don’t even have a high school diploma. I’m smart, but you can’t prove it on paper.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

Comedy is all about the pause.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

I guarantee there’s people who watch television who have no idea how complicated it is to make a television show.

I don’t like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that’s the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don’t do a ton of it.

I don’t watch Comedy Central. I don’t enjoy it.

I loved listening to laughter even as a little kid.

The loner – it can have a real impact on the art when they realize, I have friends, I’m married, or I have kids. That’s certainly happened to me.

All you needed is what every girl needs, a good friend.

And when the other half get the idea it does no good to work because somebody’s going to get what I work for. That, dear friend, is about the end of any nation.

When I see it lumbering down the mountain road like a tank . . . I flag it down like an old friend. I’ve waited on this corner every Friday since I can remember.

The concept of being loyal to your friends, to the point where you’d even die for them, is a great subject.

Blake sang his Songs of Innocence and Experience to parties of friends.

And when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning of the end of any nation.

I use the language I use to my friends. They wouldn’t believe me if I used some high-flown literary language. I want them to believe me.