“Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it’s 18 hours of doing not a thing.”

I have a very fun life. I don’t recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.

My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.

We always go out looking for live music after our shows.

I was always a funny guy. I don’t think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn’t a funny guy when they were young.

If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.

I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.

I’m not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you’ll pay late.

If I’m not in the theatre, I’m in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff.

I write all of my material. It’s all me.

I’ve gathered some of my close musical and comedian friends, and we’re going to see if we can’t bring a few laughs to these soldiers, raise some money, and hopefully lift their spirits.

I don’t think we have a surplus of fine educators in this country that we can just start dropping them for no reason whatsoever.

Movies are boring. It’s like watching paint dry. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. I was there for three days. It’s just horrible.

I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers – doesn’t matter if its something my wife hates.

I think the world has their own good, clean, Christian comedy. They don’t need my help.

Ultimately I’m the writer for me, but also, anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me, and I’m pretty good at helping them get there.

I always wanted to be a popular comedian.

There are days when the melancholy settles on you like a sudden change in weather. The kind of sadness that is intangible. Like the presence of an ache where you can’t pinpoint exactly where it hurts, you just know it does.

I used to think I couldn’t go a day without your smile. Without telling you things and hearing your voice back.

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I could do no wrong in my mother’s eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.

For me, one of the toughest things about Valentine’s Day is that it gets geared up as the day to profess your love. See, T-E-S-T – that’s a bad word that doesn’t go with L-O-V-E.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Every day you spend drifting away from your goals is a waste not only of that day, but also of the additional day it takes to regain lost ground.