When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDYeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD