The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD