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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Rodney Dangerfield

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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Around Came Carry Father Picture Wallet
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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Dog Drink Glass Kiss Lip Married Stay Tough Wife
Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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Bartender Beat God Make Me Ugly Yeah Zombie
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Everything Marriage Room Sepaetae Sleep Together Vacation
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Honest Luck Politician Run Way
Life is just a bowl of pits.
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Bowl Just Life Pit
A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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Another Come Day Girl Home Nobody Over Phone
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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Acting Del Delicate Mask Put Very
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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Born Doctor Mother Slap Ugly
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Come Door Life Met Negligee Night Other Sexy Unfortunately
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Fat Found Look One Only Out People Way
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Again Boyfriend Broke Her Marriage Trock Up Wife
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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Bee Butcher Kid Told Wife
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Country Dog Every Leave Pyramid Room Some
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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Birthday Ever Had Join Respect Toast Water Wife Women
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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Brown Sie Told Uncle Wear Wish Yellow

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