My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






