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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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Dog Drink Glass Kiss Lip Married Stay Tough Wife
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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