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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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