With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD