My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD