My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD