I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD