I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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