It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELD