I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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