I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD