Life is just a bowl of pits.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD