A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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