When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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