When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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