My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD