My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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