A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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