One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELD