I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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