A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD