I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD