With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






