What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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