I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD