I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD