Life is just a bowl of pits.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD