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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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