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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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