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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Birthday Ever Had Join Respect Toast Water Wife Women

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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Everyone Fruit Laugh Loom Met Morning Underwear
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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Everyone Fruit Hear Met Morning Ridiculous Underwear Yet
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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