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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Birthday Ever Had Join Respect Toast Water Wife Women

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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Birthday Ever Had Join Respect Toast Water Wife Women
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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