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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Halloween Kind Life Look Parent Sent
My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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All Antier Chocolate Cook Got Mae Mouse Stuck Throat Wife
My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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Ben Big Clock Country Cousin Find Gay
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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Interrupt Spoken Wife Year
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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Arm Bone Dog Favorite My
I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Come Drink Go Juice Prune Take Viagra
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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Acting Del Delicate Mask Put Very
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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Born I Morning Mother Sickness
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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Brown Sie Told Uncle Wear Wish Yellow
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Get Honest No Politician Respect Run
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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Crazy Opinion Psychiatrist Said Second
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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Everyone Fruit Hear Met Morning Ridiculous Underwear Yet
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Being Do Draw Men Most Thing Told Wage
Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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Act Actor Each Expose Himself Nide Time
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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Cat Cover Kept Me Play Sandbox Up
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Come Door Life Met Negligee Night Other Sexy Unfortunately

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