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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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