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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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