With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD