It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD