I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDActing deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELD