What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD