When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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