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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Rodney Dangerfield

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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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