My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD