My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD