The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER