I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER






