I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLER