My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER