We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLERI like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLER