All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLERI like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLER






