I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERI like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER