I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLERI like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER