The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLERI like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER