Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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