I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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self-pity is better than none.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER