I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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