I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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self-pity is better than none.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER