Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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