The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER