I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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