self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






