I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLER






