Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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