Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER