My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLER