This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLER