Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER






