My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLER






