In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER