Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLER