My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLER