I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLERA passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLER