A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLERThey just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLERNext to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLERLife is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLERI like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLER