You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER






