We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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