There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER






