Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER