I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLER