A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER