I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER