I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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