… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLER