The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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