My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER