The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLER