I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER






