There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLER