You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER