In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER






