They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER






