All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLERBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER