I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLERBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER