In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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All mothers are working mothers.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER