I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER