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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

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Come Enemy Geet House Mess Really Strange Win
When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Beach Come Even Go Tide
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Before Enough Fiance Get Marry Meet Officer Parent Parole
I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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