Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLERBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER