When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLERBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER






