You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERYou’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERI always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERComedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLER